i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
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