At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
Drunk is a universal language darling
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