Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
Blow job season was short but glorious.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
