forecast for tonight- shitshow with a chance of tbell
my version of bright and sunny.
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
