I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
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