We better get laid next semester cause I prayed hard
I even walked 30 feet with my eyes closed from two love rocks so that we get some cock
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
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