we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
Randomize
