She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
i think my cat just said my name.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
Randomize
