He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
Randomize
