haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
would it be completely unacceptable to smoke a cig outside naked? im already doing it so what you say doesn't matter.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize
