hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
Randomize
