i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
Randomize
