I got chris browned last night
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
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