What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
Watching NYC prep. Doing a shot everytime one of these d-bags flips his hair. I give it 10 minutes before alcohol poisoning set in.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
he played intl players anthem 4me and ate a strawberry out of my pussy
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
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