She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
Learned a lot. Like boys with frosted tips still exist. And that they're sensitive to constructive criticism.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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