Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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