The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Randomize
