Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
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