Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
