I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
