I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
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