Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Randomize
