just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Burnt myself on soup.. consencus go back to hospl. they will lov me. twins in one nigh. still hve band on. fuck
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize
