4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
This baby is an asshole
I only see on penis in this picture but I assume there is another lurking out of sight.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Randomize
