Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
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