lol you are funny thanks bro I'll take you to a strip club
I don't wanna go to a strip club I'd rather get my boobs free or earn them from a series of good deeds
Ha! What's wrong with that? Hard work deserves compensation. I accept cash, checks, and boobies!
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Randomize
