I think i peed on brittanys purse
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
The ass gains better be worth it
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