i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
Watching NYC prep. Doing a shot everytime one of these d-bags flips his hair. I give it 10 minutes before alcohol poisoning set in.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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