i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
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