Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
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