I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
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