Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
Randomize
