How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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