what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Randomize
