the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
