I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
