I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
operation have a gay friend backfired
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
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