i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
i now understand why vodka
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
Randomize
