i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
Sober January is a disaster.
I thought short asians scared me, however seeing my first tall asian I'm terrified.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
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