Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
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