he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
