We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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