I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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