It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
