So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
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