Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
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