is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
she didnt even puke last nite, shes finally hit champion status. i think im in love
It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
Randomize
