I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
can u get pink eye on your cock?
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Randomize
