Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
Randomize
