worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
