I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
Randomize
