I just cut my nipple shaving
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
dpoing straight shots of jhameson. boys are imp ressed. i apologize
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
Randomize
