wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
Randomize
