Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
dude i'm inner monologue high
I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize
